Elementary School | Life Behind the Curve

May 04 2012

Answers to My Own Skeptical Questions about The Avengers

Who doesn’t love a weeknight date with an 8-year-old? Monday night, I took DJ to see The Avengers and, rather than do a typical movie review, I thought I’d just blurt out the answers to the questions that were on my mind before I went to see it.

Q: I heard on NPR that they opened Avengers overseas first so they could recoup the investment in the movie before it opened in the U.S. (An indication U.S. sales may slip.) Did it really suck that bad?

A: Uh…NO…absolutely not. When I heard that, I was expecting to be “meh” about the whole thing, quite honestly. I took advantage of the free tickets because I knew DJ would be excited to see a movie before it came out. But I was genuinely, thoroughly entertained. So much so that DJ and I immediately came home and told Scoot that we should go see it again as a family.

Q: Will the dirty looks I get for taking my elementary school aged kid to see this be justified or no?

A: No. DJ is 8. I was nervous about taking him to a PG-13 movie that I hadn’t prescreened. He’s seen other PG-13 movies (e.g., Transformers) but we usually get the chance to see them first to make sure the violence isn’t too extreme or too real and the sexual innuendo isn’t too over the top. He. LOVED. It. There was only one scene with “real” blood…most of the rest of the “violence” was either fist fighting-style or big explosions that weren’t particularly graphic. The sexual references were subtle enough that they went well over his head. And DJ laughed and laughed and laughed at the jokes. There was a tiny kid (maybe 3 or 4?) in the audience and he did just fine. Though he’s not a huge fan of 3D, I think Bop (age 5) would even enjoy it. (He loves him some super heroes.)

Q: I’m more of DC Comics/Batman ~~freak~~ fan. Will I like a Marvel movie?

A: Do you like action? Characters with great chemistry? Funny jokes? Awesome fight scenes? Big explosions? Samuel L. Jackson? Baseball and apple pie? If so, you’ll enjoy it even without Bruce Wayne. (Sorry, Bruce, you know I still love you.)

Q: Does this movie stay true to the comic books?

A: I have no idea. I don’t do comic books. But I do know that there were CLEARLY some comic book fans in the full theater… (many looked just.like.this.)…

…and they CLEARLY enjoyed the movie. They were hootin’ and hollerin’ throughout the whole thing and when a new character was introduced (one they obviously recognized), they cheered with excitement. I’d say that the comic book geek endorsement level was quite high.

Q: Do you need to have seen Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, or The Incredible Hulk to “get” this movie?

A: No. I’d seen Captain American and Iron Man 1 and 2. DJ had only seen Iron Man, I believe. We both really enjoyed the characters, their roles in the film and their development throughout the film. Though some of them disappear for a bit, they all get reasonably equal billing…no small feat for this kind of ensemble cast.

Q: I don’t really like Scarlett Johansson. Is she going to ruin this movie for me?

A: She won me over in her first scene.

I mean, the chair part? Awesome. And she held onto me throughout the rest of the film.

Q: Do I really need to see it in 3D?

A: I only saw it in 3D so I have nothing to compare it to. But I thought they handled the 3D well. Gone are the days when you need to be hit over the head time and again with cutesy 3D tricks. With the novelty of 3D long worn off, I prefer my 3D effects to be seamlessly integrated into the movie so that it enhances the story without calling attention to itself. This movie succeeded at that. So I’d say, go see it in 3D and take advantage of the craftsmanship.

Q: Do I need to walk, run or run away from this one?

A: Run. See it when the theaters are packed with comic book buffs. It’s like having a bottle of wine with a wine connoisseur or going to an art museum with an artist. I sincerely felt like I enjoyed it more being around others who were so clearly enjoying it.

**Disclosure: I received two free passes to this screening from Disney. I was not asked to write about it nor was I compensated for this post. The opinions expressed here are my own. And DJ’s. Heh.**

Mar 21 2012

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Elementary School, Facebook, Family, Fashion, Friends, Lemons, Me, Myself and I, My Boys, Our 'Hood, Parenting, Politics, Race

One Million Hoodies

“Have DJ wear his hoodie today,” Scoot whispered as he woke me up to say goodbye this morning.

“Huh?” I replied, still very sleepy.

“It’s the Million Hoodie March today for Trayvon Martin,” he replied.

“Oh, ok. Yeah,” I said.

One more snooze cycle later, I was up and in DJ’s room talking to both boys about getting dressed. “Wear your hoodie today, DJ,” I told him.

“OK. Why?”

And so it began, a weighty conversation to be having with an eight year old at six-something in the morning. I explained to him the story of Trayvon Martin. That he was killed by an adult. That he was Black. That he was wearing a hoodie in a neighborhood where this adult didn’t think he belonged. That it could have been anyone with the wrong colored skin wearing a hoodie that night. I will likely never forget the look on his face when he asked if Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. got involved like after Bloody Sunday and I replied, “No, DJ, this didn’t happen back then. This happened just a few weeks ago.”

Just a couple weeks ago, as we pulled out of the parking lot following DJ’s baseball game onto a street in our somewhat diverse suburb, I did a double-take at the green truck ahead of us. “What the f**k?” I said in disbelief to Scoot as I flipped to the camera on my phone. The entire back of the truck was covered with racist, derogatory bumper stickers exactly like the ones you’ve seen reposted on Facebook. (No, that’s not my picture. Frankly, the one I took was even worse.) This didn’t happen in the Deep South. It happened in liberal California. In 2012.

Just a few years ago, Scoot and I were shopping at a mall. A display just before the entrance to a high-end department store caught my eye and I slowed. Not seeing me, Scoot walked into the men’s section of the department store, far enough ahead that no one could know that we were together. As I walked in behind him, I noticed a salesman tailing him. I watched as he, a twenty-something father stopping by the store to check out shirts and ties for his white collar job, was followed suspiciously.

Just a score ago, Black friends and schoolmates who lived in the same uber-liberal town that I grew up in were followed home from school by White administrators who were suspicious of their residency. They couldn’t fathom that these Black kids’ parents could possibly afford a home in this well-off city. In their mind, those kids must live on the other side of the creek, not in our district.

Sometimes it’s hard to do more than shake my head at these occasionally subtle, often overt expressions of suspicion based solely on the color of someone’s skin and the sense they don’t belong. I’ve been amazed by the conversations I’ve had and heard with and between other White people who won’t or don’t believe that these things take place. Still. Today. It confuses me why they walk around in ignorance or defiance, unable or unwilling to raise their voices, even in the safe confines of conversations with people who look like them, and say, “Yeah, I noticed that. It’s messed up.” And when I raise my voice, I get frustrated when other White parents act like I’m some hypersensitive wing-nut for talking to my children about such things, “forcing them to grow up too fast” rather than “protecting their innocence.”

There are seventeen year old kids out there, my nephews (who are Black) included, who walk around with hoodies on. They deserve to have their innocence protected too.

There is much that can and has been said about this atrocity. There will be much more said, I’m sure. Having my kids wear hoodies today won’t change anything. But talking to them about it, being honest with them about the world they live in, teaching them what’s right, and empowering them to do something, anything to keep this kind of tragedy from happening again? Not just today but everyday? Some day, that just might.

Feb 08 2012

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Business, Child Care, Elementary School, Family, Food, Lemons, Marriage, Me, Myself and I, My Boys, Parenting, Work

The Working Mom’s Guide to Business Travel: 10 Tips and Tricks to Keep You and Your Family Sane While You’re Away

January was a busy month of business travel for me. With three business trips in as many weeks (two of which were cross-country) as well as three separate trips (one for all of us, two others for Scoot) to the Bay, it would have been easy for any one of the four of us to have a complete meltdown. I was pleasantly surprised with how well it went. Though most of the credit goes to having a more-than-capable husband willing and able to stand in for me while I’m away and my dad who pinched hit for a couple days while we were both away, I also like to think that the tricks I’ve developed over the years have helped make my absence less burdensome to Scoot and the boys. In the hopes of helping others relieve some of the stress (and, perhaps, guilt) that come with being a traveling working mom, I thought I’d share my experiences.

Plan ahead. While Scoot is responsible for cooking meals most weeknights anyway, I usually develop a weekly meal plan that he follows so he doesn’t have to think about what he should make and we’re sure to have everything he needs in the fridge/pantry. Before I leave for a trip, I write out the meals for the week and, if appropriate, where to find the recipes and post them on the fridge. Anything that is out of the ordinary such as snack day, fundraisers due, etc. are dealt with ahead of time to minimize the number of things he has to remember in my absence. We let the boys get hot lunch or have a Lunchables (I know, not the greatest nutritional options but the vast majority of the boys’ lunches are quite well-rounded and health-conscious) to make getting out in the mornings as easy as possible.
Do ahead. When I leave, I try to have the first day’s meal in the crockpot and the first day’s lunches made. I double-check to make sure all the bills are paid so neither of us has to worry about that while I’m away. I hate coming home to a messy house and a sink full of dishes but I understand how hard it is to find time for cleaning during a busy week. I’ve found that the cleaner I leave the house, the cleaner it’s likely to be upon my return. Think beyond the day of your return as well. Planning the day after my return keeps me from having to be “on” as soon as I get home. (See also, #10.)
Keep a routine. Having mom gone can be disruptive so keeping a routine for the boys is important. We do whatever we can to keep their before and after school routines as normal as possible. Scoot, DJ and I share a Google calendar and I put everything (basketball practices, dress-up days at school, library book due dates, etc.) on there so all three of us know what’s supposed to happen on each day. I also make sure to tell the boys’ teachers/daycare workers that I’ll be gone so they can adapt to funky moods or the need for a little extra TLC (this was especially true when they were in daycare/preschool).
Allow for fun. My mom didn’t travel much for work but the times that she did were great fun for me and my dad. I have fond memories of going to St. Louis Cardinals games at Busch Stadium on *gasp!* weeknights while my mom was off at her conferences (there’s no way would that ever fly if she were home). Though I don’t want to break the bank or get the boys’ routines out of whack, I generally encourage some special “Mom is gone, let’s go crazy” activities like a trip to the ice cream shop or a special dinner out. This extends past my return as well. If at all possible, I try to make sure Scoot gets some down time when I get home so that he can unwind without the boys too.
Plan travel around your family. Sometimes meeting times, flight costs and schedules, and company policies dictate what times and days I travel. But if I can leave after morning drop-off (Scoot does pick-up anyway) or get back in time for dinner and bedtime routines, those extra few hours of being able to provide my regular contribution to our family’s day are incredibly helpful. Not to mention the fact that each extra day of added care for the boys costs $32. If I can at all make it work, I try to schedule my trips so that I leave and return while they’re at school.
Pack fast and light. Even my dog gets stressed out when I bring out a suitcase and spend hours debating what to put in it. Dragging out my preparation just rubs my boys’ noses in the fact I’ll be leaving them so I try to pack either after they’re in bed or when they’re off at school right before I leave. Even when I was away for an entire week, I packed in a carry-on so I could get off the plane and into my car to get home to them as quickly as possible. I find little worse than being “home” but delaying my arrival home for 30 minutes or more while standing around waiting for luggage.
Stay in touch. Technology is a godsend for the traveling mom. Even on a regular day, Scoot and I are in frequent communication with each other about home life. Being available (when I’m not working or in meetings) to answer quick questions like, “Where are Bop’s basketball shoes?” or being kept abreast of the days’ developments like, “DJ forgot his homework,” help me feel connected and relieve a bit of the pressure on Scoot to keep track of absolutely everything under the sun. Ever since DJ’s gotten his iPod, I’ve used email to send him little notes, letting him know I miss him and am thinking about him and sending little reminders. Bop has discovered Facetime on Scoot’s phone and he LOVES talking to me and making funny faces through it. I’m grateful that it’s so much easier to stay connected than it was a generation ago.
Get rewarded. I’ve signed up for a handful of relevant loyalty programs (airline miles, hotel points, etc.) and take advantage of my travel in order to accrue points that I use for family vacations. I maximize my earning potential by trying to travel on one of two airlines and earn my points wherever I can. (For example, you can usually opt for airline miles instead of or in addition to hotel points at most hotels). I use programs like Star Alliance to focus on accruing on US Air even while traveling on United. Similarly, because I have to use a personal card and get reimbursed for travel expenses, I signed up a Chase Disney Rewards Visa that accrues points that convert to Disney dollars. On our last trip to DisneyWorld we had $600 worth of Disney dollars accrued that we used for food, souvenirs, hotel and tickets. My philosophy is if I have to travel for work, the least I can do is figure out ways for the boys to benefit from it (besides, you know, the whole paycheck thing. Heh.)
Take care of yourself. Traveling is hard on the body. When I travel for work, many of the factors most important to feeling good are out of my control. But I try my best to eat well (including lots of fiber and lots of water), take my vitamins, get sleep, etc. Sure socializing with coworkers, clients or business associates can be fun and sometimes required, but late nights out – especially those that involved drinking – can take their toll. I try to take advantage of the peace and quiet that come with being alone in a hotel by reading, watching a TV show or movie that I’ve wanted to see and – by far the best part of business travel – sleeping diagonally across the bed.
Celebrate your return. I make sure the boys know when I’m coming home (with the always fun caveat that sometimes things happen and flights get delayed) and I make plans with them for the special things we’re going to do when I return. I pick them up from school (rather than having them go to after school care), take them to lunch or dinner or ice cream, or just get in bed and snuggle with them. Being back together again is certainly cause to celebrate.

So that’s it. I hope some of these tips help relieve the stress and guilt that can accompany a business trip when you’re a wife and mom. What about you? What do you do to make sure everyone survives when you’re from home?

Oct 16 2011

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Elementary School, Facebook, Family, Just for Fun, Lemons, Me, Myself and I, My Boys, Our 'Hood, Parenting, Sports

There Is No “I” in Fan

I can’t stand fickle sports fans. Ironically, I frequently have one in DJ. He doesn’t mean to be one, he just doesn’t know any better. He feels emotionally drawn to many geographies so I was super proud of his response when, on the way to the Sacramento Mountain Lions v. Virginia Destroyers game yesterday, I asked him who he’d root for. “Virginia,” he said. “Why, because daddy played with their quarterback and was coached by their coaches when he was in college?” I asked. “No,” he replied, “because that’s where I’m from.”

This conversation about which ‘hood he claims goes back a few weeks when he inquisitively asked which rappers were from Virginia as he failed to connect with 2Pac and Dr. Dre’s “California Love” the way his parents do. He moved from the Commonwealth to California when he was just three and, while he’s as much of a Cali boy and the next kid in my mind, he feels drawn to the place he was born.

It’s a feeling I understand well as I moved away from the state of my birth as a toddler and then, again, moved in the middle of elementary school to California. In the years since I’ve tried to figure out what I consider to be my “hometown.” (Imagine the angst when Facebook asked me to make such a public declaration.)

For me, my “hometown” claim as a sports fan was complicated by the fact that, just two months after I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area, the SF Giants met the St. Louis Cardinals in the National League Championship Series. I was raised on Cardinals baseball (and football, by the way…why they’re in Phoenix and the L.A. Rams are in my town still baffles me). My earliest baseball memory was being allowed, at a month shy of four years old, to stay up to watch the Cardinals win the 1982 World Series at our townhouse in the St. Louis suburbs. (It’s also the first time I remember my mom being mad at my dad. Heh.)

In the years between then and our move west, my dad took me to Busch Stadium to see the likes of Ozzie Smith and Willie McGee while teaching me how to score a baseball game and heckle an opponent. My pet mouse was named Whitey Herzog.

When the Cards played the Giants, I wasn’t sure just who to root for as the new kid trying to fit in with a school full of Giants fans. Luckily I had little to do with the fate of either team. Yet somehow, I gave myself the leeway to root for the triumphant Cards as they faced the Twins in that World Series, the Oakland A’s as they faced the Dodgers the following year, and then the Giants as they met the A’s in ’89 in the Bay Bridge Series (a series memorable not only for baseball but the earthquake that literally rocked the local fans to our core).

And so, as it has been since, I rooted for the Giants as they made their way to the World Series last year. Now that they’ve imploded, however, I will admit that I “liked” the breaking news from CNN on my FB News Feed that the Cards, my first baseball love, had made it to the World Series (a “like” I gave despite not being able to name a single player from their team.) How’s that for fickle?

But it’s hard out there for a kid…a kid who, for a third of a century, has felt disconnected from all geographic ties of her own. And it is with that experience that I try to cut my own child, a kid who likes the SF 49ers and the Miami Heat, the Sacramento Kings and the Stanford Cardinal, the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers and…the Virginia Destroyers, a bit of a break as he tries to figure out his own definition of “hometown” and which hometown team belongs to him.

Feb 23 2011

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Blogging, Elementary School, Facebook, Family, Food, Friends, Health & Exercise, Lemons, Me, Myself and I, My Boys, Parenting, Vacation, Work

If You’re Happy and You Know It

Hey, remember me? Yeah, I own this here little place of the interwebs. Nice to see you again. I could write a post (ok, I did…and decided not to hit publish…again) about where I’ve been but instead I thought I’d just cut to the chase and post something new. So here you go…

10 Things I Smiled About Today

1. The # I saw on the scale this morning.

2. Achieving my goal of getting up without hitting the snooze button.

3. DJ choosing to do his homework this morning (rather than tomorrow night) without any prompting.

4. Scoot baking cookies for the Mother-Son Dance Friday night.

5. Having enough calories left today to help be a taste tester of the aforementioned cookies.

6. Catching up with an old friend/colleague.

7. Seeing a new friend/colleague achieve well-deserved satisfaction.

8. Getting an email from my friend who seems to make it her life’s work to have me in stitches on a daily basis.

9. Looking at a calendar and realizing I will be seeing a bunch of my friends real soon.

10. Straightening my desk before I left the office for the night.

What made you smile today?

Aug 27 2010

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Elementary School, Family, Friends, Me, Myself and I, My Boys, Our 'Hood, Parenting, RIP

PSA: Look Right

One day when I was in 8th grade, I returned home from my afterschool activities to tragic news. A 6th grader at my school had been killed riding her bike home earlier that afternoon.

I walked across my quiet residential street, to the place where she died – less than a block from her house. I looked at the makeshift shrine that was beginning to build. Her blood stained the street.

She had been riding her bike in the bike lane but she was going against traffic. According to reports, the driver who struck her had pulled up to a sleepy intersection and stopped at the stop sign. She looked to her left and, seeing no cars coming her way, she turned right. Right into that young girl. She wasn’t driving fast. She wasn’t drunk. She just made a simple, but deadly, mistake.

It was an accident. A tragic accident.

Every morning, I pull out of my driveway with my own precious cargo in tow. I see the children in our neighborhood walking and biking down our street to school. I creep to the end of my street and stop. I look left. I see no cars coming.

And then I look right. I imagine what it must have been like for that poor girl in the last moment of her life. I imagine what it must have been like for her friend who had split off from her just a block earlier and who, years later, told me she heard her friend scream but didn’t realize until later what exactly it was that she was hearing. I imagine what it must have been like for the girl’s mom who, I heard, was so heartbroken she moved away from the home they had once shared.

When you come up to an intersection. Please stop. Fully. Please look to both your left and your right. Please do your part to prevent something like this from happening to another family.

Aug 24 2010

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Elementary School, Family, Me, Myself and I, My Boys, Our 'Hood, Parenting, Vacation, Work

I’ve Felt the Calm of A Satisfied Soul

It’s been a busy week around these here parts. First week of school and all. Here are some of the things that have satisfied my soul of late:

Sometimes not having all the answers really sucks.
Talking about death and dying with kids is never fun. Especially when it feels like it may be close. Or far. Or…who knows. But it’s important to talk about it nonetheless.
There’s a lot of great things that come with being a parent but one of the greatest is when your kids show absolutely no resemblance to you. See also: Five nights away from home with no homesickness and no fear of waterslides.
“No resemblance” corollary: When it takes 31 years and one kid who asks to get on a waterslide? And enjoy it? Awesome.
Waterslide corollary: Going on a family date to a place you and your husband have never been even though you’ve known each other forever? Also awesome.
There is little more liberating to a woman than to walk around in a bathing suit in public without caring about what others might think.
Ends up, this confidence despite evidence to the contrary thing is genetic.
See also: A six-year-old who doesn’t really think he needs to go by his new classroom to meet his teacher until the first day of school because really, mom, it’s not much different from last year.
Mom feels better when you make him go anyway.
It appears as though each added year of dropping my oldest off on the first day of school allows me to get a little further away from the building before breaking down into complete tears.
Having the youngest beg to go to kindergarten doesn’t help. Nor does knowing you’re planning on holding him back for another year when you’re pretty sure he’d be just fine if he went on time.
That knot in your throat when your kid says he can get to his classroom all by himself isn’t because you’re concerned he can’t. It’s because you know he can.
No matter how hard I try, I always say too much when I’m nervous.
Traditions matter. Especially those like taking the day before the first day of school off and working from home on the first day so you can be there when the bell rings. If there was a single piece of advice I could give working parents new to the whole school thing it’d be to warn them that EVERY. OTHER. PARENT. will be there to pick up their kids’ on the first day. If you’re not, your kid will, in fact, be the only one whose parent isn’t.
MMS picture spam may or may not be appropriate when you don’t post pictures of your kids online. But if you got a “Happy 1st day of School” text from me and didn’t want one, please feel free to let me know. I swear I only sent it to people I thought would appreciate it. And if I thought you would, and you didn’t, I’m so sorry. I guess, I don’t know, maybe we need to go to relationship counseling or something, because we obviously aren’t on the same page. HA!
Whether at soccer practice, a birthday party or a parent meeting, the following this are assured to happen: A parent will tell you more about them and their marriage than you ever want to know, a parent will make it clear their kid is above yours, a parent will make it clear their kids is below yours, a parent will disappear and you’ll judge them for not being involved, you’ll need to run somewhere and be judged for not being involved, and a whole bunch of other things. It’s important to remember that as much as you love/hate a certain parent, there are other parents that love/hate you. Oh well. It happens.
Every woman needs a few good girlfriends.
There is a great joy that comes with finding out that you’ve found yours.

May 20 2010

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Elementary School, My Boys, Parenting

Sometimes I Get It Right. (Or Do I?)

Yesterday afternoon, DJ had a play date with his best friend “Adam.” They went to Adam’s soccer practice and then to Chuck E Cheese. The kids were kids and they ate a little, played a lot and took pictures on the little ride-along-side-Chuck-E-car-thingy. The pictures were cute and made it very clear they had a great time. They each brought home five (!?!?!?!) of them.

This morning, DJ came up to me as I was getting ready and asked if he could bring the pictures to school to show his friends. What I wanted to say was “no” and just leave it at that. Instead I put my hairdryer down, sat down and talked with him.

I asked DJ how he would feel if his friend “Jake” went to Chuck E Cheese with Adam instead. How would he feel if they then brought the pictures into class? Would he be happy or sad? Would he feel left out? He said he’d feel sad then asked, “So can I take them?”

Um, that didn’t go exactly how I thought it would.

I responded, “Look, DJ, I’m not going to tell you what to do. You’re a big boy now and you can make this decision on your own. I just hope that you think about how you’ll make your friends feel before you decide.”

I picked up my hairdryer and he walked away. As we left the house, I noticed the pictures, all five of them, were still sitting on the table.

I was proud of him. And perhaps a little proud of myself too. Afterall, I could have just said no and that would be that. Instead, I taught him an important lesson. Woohoo! I’ll be accepting my MOTY award any day now.

But alas, the story continues…

As we were heading to the car I noticed he was carrying an index card and a pencil. I asked what he was writing. He got a coy smile on his face and held up the card so I could see it. At the top it read, “Chuck E Cheese birthday party.” (Note: His birthday isn’t until September.) There were 25, yes that’s right 25!!!!! names of kids he wants to invite on the list.

“And mom, they’re all going to line up and every one is going to take a picture with me and Chuck E.” he said proudly.

*sigh*

Who knew that little lesson on inclusion would end up costing $449.75?

Mar 09 2010

9 Comments

Elementary School, My Boys, Parenting

Puppy Love

As many of you have remarked over the last year of getting to know my family, D is an incredibly sweet little boy. He’s also long had an interest in girls. Not a crazy, sex-driven interest or anything (thank GAWD! he’s only 6!!! 6 1/2!!!). But he’s a romantic, if you will. He talks all the time about wanting to “dance with [so-and-so] when she’s a princess at [their] wedding.” It’s awesome and sweet and naive and, yes, a bit creepy at times. I mean, seriously, what 6 year old is committed to MARRIAGE?!?!?! Like for reals?!?!?!

Anyhow, D is learning to read and write which means what he used to just say at home is turning into words. On paper. That he gives to these girls. Who bring them home to their parents. Who may or may not appreciate such a thing.

Below is an email I sent to one of those parents today. I’d be really interested in how you’d answer. I don’t want to discourage him from being a gentleman who cares about girls’ feelings and shows them respect and admiration and, yes, chivalry. (He’s been taught to hold the door open for girls. So sue me.) But then again I grew up before having a pre-pubecent teen snap your bra strap was considered sexual harassment.

* * *

Dear [Dad] and [Mom],

As I’m sure you know, D absolutely adores K. He wrote a book for her (as well as one for another classmate) and really wants to give it to her, but before I let him I wanted to give you a heads up so that it didn’t make you uncomfortable. Let me start off by saying that D is an extremely sensitive kid (not in the crying when people are mean to him kind of way but in the genuinely caring about other people’s feelings kind of way). I’m aware that without knowing him, there’s risk of him coming on a little strong for a kindergartener so I wanted to make sure you were ok with him giving it to her.

The book says (and I’m fixing his numerous spelling mistakes here):

All of us like you.
Do you like rainbows?
You make my heart proud.
Some people are mean to you.
Some people are nice to you.
We love you K.

My apologies if this seems silly to ask. D is our oldest (and we only have boys) so we’re still working through what’s acceptable and what would be seen as strange by other parents. Please let me know if you’d rather him not give it to her and I’ll make sure it disappears. Thanks.

Emmie

* * *

So what do you think? Am I being too PC? If K was your daughter, what would you say? I know it’s just puppy love but what if the other parent’s are heebed out by it? Halp!!!!

Aug 20 2009

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Child Care, Elementary School, Facebook, Friends, Me, Myself and I, My Boys, Parenting

The Last Battle

Parenting is so often about fighting the last battle. It’s so often about protecting our kids from our heartaches only to give them a whole new set all their own. I know I can’t protect my boys from all heartache. Yet it is that rational understanding that my emotions are trampling all over right now.

My parents have lived in the same house for the past 21 years, more than two-thirds of my life. But before that, in my very early childhood, I went through a lot of moves, both in residence and in schools. I was born in Michigan. I moved to the suburbs of St. Louis when I was 2. It was in that small townhouse that I made my earliest memories. We moved to a suburb further north when I was 4. I started in preschool. I then went to another pre-kindergarten program. Then I moved on to kindergarten in our neighborhood school. I was in that school through second grade. During the following summer we moved to Fremont, California. I entered third grade there, but moved yet again in February to Palo Alto, the city I now call my hometown.

By my 10th birthday I didn’t have a single friend who knew me more than 9 months. Some of my friends went to Kindergarten together, some preschool. Hell two of my friends’ moms were roommates at the hospital when they were born. They literally knew each other since birth.

I know other people have had it worse than me, but in my 9 year old, friendless mind moving was the most horrific thing a parent could do to their child. Sure, I had no problems making new friends, but I had no history with them. I was without a past.

My sister was much more open about the social troubles moving had caused, which seemed to make sense as she was 11, just entering adolescence, when we left St. Louis. I, on the other hand, internalized it and simply swore to myself that I would make sure that my kids stayed settled, have lifelong friends and a history with people outside of their families.

The move from Virginia to California pretty much solidified that that isn’t going to happen for D. We keep in touch with our friends who have a son 3 weeks older than him. They really were friends at birth. They trick-or-treated together on their first (real) Halloween. But D hasn’t seen him since he was two and I’m not sure he remembers him.

When we moved to California, we put D and B in the same daycare center. There have been transitions from room-to-room, and friends have come and gone. We went through an especially rough patch last year when we decided to have D repeat the pre-K program while every other kid in his class went on to kindergarten. Luckily one of his best friends’ brother stayed at the school, and his mom is on Facebook, so we’ve been able to stay in touch that way. I’ve added two other kids’ parents as well, so we can try to get the kids together to play.

The friend I’m most sad about D leaving is his “girlfriend”, M, mostly because she lives in LA. (Her mom had a job that brought her up here so she rented an apartment and brought M along with her. Her dad is in LA, as is her kindergarten.) She writes D love letters. (Her mom told me that M wouldn’t show her the letters. She was too embarrassed). D cuts out and colors hearts and seals them in an envelope for her. I really don’t know where they get this stuff, seriously. But it’s adorable puppy love.

Well, today is M’s last day. Tomorrow is D and B’s last day. And I’m sitting here crying as I type this. I’m not totally sure what I’m crying about.

It’s not M that I’m crying about, though she is a sweet, adorable, loyal friend to D. He ran to his room last night crying. He didn’t want to talk about it but I heard him up there, and heard B asking, “What’s wrong?” He was sad that he wasn’t going to be going to school with her and his other friends. He wants to stay at his old school. We told him that none of his friends were staying (which he rationally totally understands), but leaving M, knowing that she’s going back to LA (what can I say, my kid knows geography) is breaking his little heart.

I’m not really crying about D getting older and going to kindergarten. Growing up is something that should be celebrated, not mourned. And though I make jokes asking where has the time gone, I know that he’s ready for this next step in his life. I’m proud of him. He’s going to do great.

I’m not crying, yet, about B. See, in all of this B doesn’t have a clue. He doesn’t know that next week he’s going to have to go to a new school in a new building with a new schedule taught by new teachers in a new class with new friends. Sure we drive by the school and wave and say “Hi new school!” but he doesn’t really understand. I suspect next Tuesday is going to be extremely unpleasant for him and for me. I’ll be crying then too.

I’m not crying about new schools. I know that going through these changes is going to be hard on them, but I know they can handle it. I know that moving from preschool to kindergarten or from one preschool to another is not the most difficult thing either of them will go through. I know they’re both awesome and will make new friends quickly.

I think I’m crying because every time we make one of these transitions, we lose a friend. Sometimes it’s two. Sometimes it’s an entire class. We lose a person who connects us with our past, a person with whom we share an experience and a history that only they and we can understand. I’m crying because I really wish there was a way that I could protect my kids from the heartache that comes from losing a little piece of them when they go through these changes. I’m crying because I miss those little pieces of me that I’ve left behind on my own journey through life. And I’m crying because I know that I’m fighting the last battle and it’s one that I already lost.

Life Behind the Curve

Filed under Elementary School …