Life Behind the Curve

I frequently joke with my boss that I like to keep expectations low so I can blow right past them. Though that’s usually how things shake out, the truth is that I often keep expectations low because I have no confidence that I will succeed. Sometimes this self-doubt is well-founded. Other times it’s ridiculous. I know this conceptually, but the only way I can prove to myself that I’m capable of accomplishing something new, is by doing it.

Part of my problem, and many of you already know this, is that I don’t take myself very seriously. Much of this has to do with my personality. I’m easy-going, hard to fluster and I like to joke around. But some of my inability to take myself seriously comes from my belief that there is very little that should be taken all that seriously. Life and death are serious. Abuse and neglect are serious. War and peace are serious. But all the little things we so easily get wrapped up in every day…well, I just don’t believe that most of them are all that serious. When it comes to our professional lives, I learned part of this lesson from my dad who told me in my first year of my career that people, especially young people, always overvalue themselves. They take themselves much too seriously.

The fact that I don’t take myself all that seriously is frustrating to some people, none more so than me. I put countless hours into my studies, spent $60,000 on my graduate education (the first $268.41 per month I earn for the next 2o years goes straight to grad school loans) and spent the last nine years of my life learning, thinking, talking and strategizing about health care policy. I really should act like I know what I’m talking about. Because I really do. Don’t I?

Well, last week I was put to the test in a public forum for the first time. I was invited to sit on a panel about health care reform and was asked specifically to talk about it from a federal perspective as well as the perspective of the drug industry, for whom I’ve worked in various capacities for my entire career. I wasn’t, however, speaking as a spokesperson for a client. I was just me. I was there to state my analysis and my opinions.

A funny thing happened on the way to that forum. Well, not on the way, but about a third of the way through. Ends up, I kind of felt good talking about this issue. I’m sure there were plenty of ums and uhs and the like, but I actually knew what I was talking about. No one was more surprised than I was.

Afterwards a number of people came up to me and commented that I’d done a good job. They asked for my card so they could give them to their newsroom folks (most of the audience members were in radio and television ad sales) in case a story came up and they needed someone to interview. I obliged, honestly thinking that nothing would come of it.

Yesterday morning, however, I was called by a radio producer and asked to comment on President Obama’s most recent health care proposal. Live. On. The. Air. Now, there are people who do this kind of thing all the time but let’s be honest: I am not one of them. I’d been in a client meeting all day. I hadn’t even read Obama’s proposal. I’m not like others who have gone line-by-line through every bill. I didn’t get called to the White House to discuss the issue. What on Earth am I going to say?

So I read about his proposal, wrote out a few talking points and called the producer at the agreed upon time. When I went on air I was nervous. But after the first question, again about a third of the way through, I realized that I might maybe know what I’m talking about again. Maybe. I asked Scoot what he thought and he said I stumbled a little on words like um and uh but that I sounded good. I was pretty sure that he was bound to say that by our wedding vows (I think that line is right after “to love and to cherish” and right before “no, you don’t look fat.”) but a colleague had heard it and said the same thing. He sent around a link to the interview.

The first thing I thought was, “OH MAH GAWD! I sound 12.” Which is true. And depressing. But true nonetheless.

The second thing I thought was “You know what? I sort of sound like I know what I’m talking about.” A much happier thought to be sure.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am not all high on myself about this performance. I stumbled, I sounded nervous, I did a whole host of things that I’d advise clients against. But the thing is…I did it.

Twenty years from now, I’ll look back at this and think, “Gosh I’m embarassed I made such a big deal out of such a soft-ball, easy interview.” But today, for me right now, at this point in my life, at this point in my career, it was just what I needed to remind myself that sometimes I can drop the low expectations, put myself out there a bit more and maybe, just maybe, not make a complete fool of myself.