Posted in August 2009

Nineteen Years

I wanted to make sure to thank those of you who commented on my post about restitution and to tell you the outcome of the hearing.

Two weeks ago, I spoke with the deputy district attorney in Los Angeles County. I wanted to know if we should consider flying down for the restitution hearing scheduled for last Thursday. He asked what my requested restitution was. “Ten thousand, five hundred, fourteen dollars and ninety two cents,” I said. *Silence* He was a bit stunned. (Apparently that’s a lot of money.) In fact, he first said he thought that it’d be a good idea, but after a while he convinced himself, and me, that it was unnecessary. Just send everything down and we’ll show it to the judge, he said. He also mentioned he’d be appreciative if I wouldn’t mind including a copy for the defense attorney so he wouldn’t have to. Budget cuts and all.

So I did what I do: I created a spreadsheet (if you know me IRL, this will come as absolutely no surprise to you). I numbered each line. In the columns I entered the store I’d have to buy a replacement item from, a description of the item, the price. I included the body work, the rental car, the replacement home and car keys, the iPod, the blackberry, the carseat, the basketball, and one day of pay for each of us. (We took the Monday after the theft off to deal with it, though in all honesty that 8 hours dramatically underrepresents the amount of time this cost us.) At the bottom I totalled it. $10,514.92.

I photocopied every receipt and next to it wrote in the number which corresponded to the line item in the spreadsheet.

I typed up a letter explaining my methodology. At the end of the letter I told the Deputy DA about my blog post. I told him I included a copy and that I understood that the purpose of restitution is to recover actual damages, not emotional distress. I told him to do with it what he may.

I copied the entire pack of papers, put two copies in an envelope and FedEx’d them down south.

Thursday afternoon, Scoot got a call. The judge ordered full restitution. From now on, we have the legal right to sue him for that money. (Let’s be honest, though, the vast majority of it belongs to Allstate.) The Deputy DA commented to Scoot that he’d never seen such a detailed, organized packet put together like that. Heh.

He also said that the defense attorney has my letter to the defendant. I have no idea what he’s going to do with it. He could keep it in his file, throw it away, or give it to the guy who turned our world upside down for a couple of months. I’m not sure I care one way or the other but it’s a bit strange not knowing what’s going to happen with it.

Either way, as I said on Twitter, score a moral victory for justice. This was never about money. It was about him taking responsibility for his actions. He’s now got a prison sentence, a letter about D, and a big financial debt to take on. I hope just one of those things, just one, provides him with the motivation he needs to stay out of trouble when he gets out in late 2010 or early 2011 (assuming he’s on good behavior). With all of my being, I really hope he’s learned his lesson. He’s only 19 years old.

 

On a side note, I’d like to thank the Monterey Park Police Department and the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office for dealing with our case as quickly as they did. Sure they had a lot of help from a guy who was caught red-handed with priors for the same offense, and it was in their best interest to move the case to conclusion as quickly as possible. Nonetheless I really appreciate their commitment to communicating with us about the case and getting it handled so fast.

The Problem with Kids Today

A lot of people (rhetorically?) ask, “What is it with kids these days?” They’re disrespectful. They’re rude. They’re self-centered. And on and on. There is plenty of blame to go around and targets change with the wind. My target du jour is parents. Yes, you, mom and dad.

Now all of us have angels, of course. None of our kids ever do anything wrong. And most certainly if we saw them do something disrespectful or rude we’d correct it with a quickness. So, of course, I’m not talking about us. I’m talking about THOSE parents.

**For those of you who don’t know me very well, I am being somewhat facetious here. Though I stress to my kids the importance of acting in an appropriate manner when in public, I am fully aware that neither I nor my children are perfect. I’m sure they’ve acted a fool in public at some point and I was to blame. But because today my kids were well behaved, I feel like I’ve earned the right to complain about other people for a day.**

We decided to celebrate the last day of summer before school starts at Great America in Santa Clara, CA. The park was pretty dead when we arrived and to our surprise Sponge Bob Square Pants was there ready to pose for pictures. One child was talking to him but no one else was around. So we walked up with D and B (as a reminder they’re 5 and 2) and stood next to the park photographer to wait our turn. Next thing you know, two blue streaks run up and practically jump Sponge Bob just as the toddler with him turned to walk away. Those blue streaks were two girls, probably 8 and 11 years old. And they were accompanied by their mother! Who promptly began snapping shots with her camera with no regard for the children half the age of her own waiting patiently for their turn to meet the guy who lives in a pineapple under the sea.

The staff there clearly noticed and were extra nice to my kids but the mother was completely oblivious.

We took our pics with our porous friend, snapped some more shots in front of the fountain and double-decker carousel and then went to get in line to ride a horse on the top deck. As we stepped toward the cue entrance, who should show up but the blue streaks and their mom. They tried to plow in front of D yet again but were averted by my former football playing spouse stepping into line.

As we climbed the stairs they were breathing down our necks. I told D to walk as he approached the horses on the side. You know, safety first. Blue streaks’ mom gave no such advice. I put my left hand on a horse and came to a stop, turning to help D get on the one next to it. As I turned, Little Blue Streak jumped on my horse even though D was clearly about to mount the one next to it. Again, mom said nothing. So I did. “Damn, little girl,” I snarled as I gave her a dirty look. Yup, impressively mature aren’t I?

We shuffled back to the next row of horses and were off as my eyes burned a hole in the back of Blue Streaks’ mom’s head with my laser-like glare. On the way out I told Scoot if it happened again I was going to fight have a talk with her. He rolled his eyes.

We went along our way and had an enjoyable day. The last item on the itinerary was to meet Dora the Explorer. She was due at the character greeting location at 2 pm. We were nearby so stood to wait there at about five minutes ’til, the first family in line. A few minutes after 2, Dora came out of the backstage area and was walking toward us. A huge family swooped in, circling her like vultures. Her park escort tried to allow us first dibs, but the family just pushed their way onto her. Again, my kids, one of whom was in desperate need of a nap, were waiting patiently to meet the Nick star.

“Everybody go around her,” the mom said so she could snap a picture. D, not knowing what was going on, tried to join the group. “Wait your turn, D,” I said to him, knowing damn well he had. Again, the parents completely enabled, encouraged even, this atrocious behavior. The park staff was apologetic but it was not they who had done wrong.

The parents, on the other hand? I am absolutely disgusted with them. Infuriated. Enraged. What is wrong with them? It’s really no wonder why kids act the way they do.

OMG I Think Men Might Actually Just Be Born This Way

My 5 year old son, D, is a sweet, caring kid who is always looking out for his friends. It’s no wonder to me, really, that little girls swoon over him. But, seriously, this whole five-year-old relationship stuff is, well, it’s just too damn grown.

Remember yesterday’s post where I talked about D’s little “girlfriend,” M? We’ll, for today we’re going to call her Mindy. Mindy’s last day at daycare was yesterday. A month or so ago was his other “girlfriend,” Melissa’s, last day. Today I got back in touch with Melissa’s mom so we could invite Melissa to D’s birthday party. I told him I was inviting her. This monologue by D is what followed:

“I’m going to tell Melissa that I’m going to marry Mindy.”

Thinking. Exasperation.

“But then she’s going to get mad.”

More thinking. Light bulb.

“Oh, I know. I’m gonna trick Melissa.”

Wry grin.

I’ll tell her that I want to marry her but I’m really going to marry Mindy.”

Look of pride.

Seriously? WTF? Where do they get this stuff? It really is hardwired isn’t it? Sigh. I’m so going to have my hands full with this one.

The Last Battle

Parenting is so often about fighting the last battle. It’s so often about protecting our kids from our heartaches only to give them a whole new set all their own. I know I can’t protect my boys from all heartache. Yet it is that rational understanding that my emotions are trampling all over right now.

My parents have lived in the same house for the past 21 years, more than two-thirds of my life. But before that, in my very early childhood, I went through a lot of moves, both in residence and in schools. I was born in Michigan. I moved to the suburbs of St. Louis when I was 2. It was in that small townhouse that I made my earliest memories. We moved to a suburb further north when I was 4. I started in preschool. I then went to another pre-kindergarten program. Then I moved on to kindergarten in our neighborhood school. I was in that school through second grade. During the following summer we moved to Fremont, California. I entered third grade there, but moved yet again in February to Palo Alto, the city I now call my hometown.

By my 10th birthday I didn’t have a single friend who knew me more than 9 months. Some of my friends went to Kindergarten together, some preschool. Hell two of my friends’ moms were roommates at the hospital when they were born. They literally knew each other since birth.

I know other people have had it worse than me, but in my 9 year old, friendless mind moving was the most horrific thing a parent could do to their child. Sure, I had no problems making new friends, but I had no history with them. I was without a past.

My sister was much more open about the social troubles moving had caused, which seemed to make sense as she was 11, just entering adolescence, when we left St. Louis. I, on the other hand, internalized it and simply swore to myself that I would make sure that my kids stayed settled, have lifelong friends and a history with people outside of their families.

The move from Virginia to California pretty much solidified that that isn’t going to happen for D. We keep in touch with our friends who have a son 3 weeks older than him. They really were friends at birth. They trick-or-treated together on their first (real) Halloween. But D hasn’t seen him since he was two and I’m not sure he remembers him.

When we moved to California, we put D and B in the same daycare center. There have been transitions from room-to-room, and friends have come and gone. We went through an especially rough patch last year when we decided to have D repeat the pre-K program while every other kid in his class went on to kindergarten. Luckily one of his best friends’ brother stayed at the school, and his mom is on Facebook, so we’ve been able to stay in touch that way. I’ve added two other kids’ parents as well, so we can try to get the kids together to play.

The friend I’m most sad about D leaving is his “girlfriend”, M, mostly because she lives in LA. (Her mom had a job that brought her up here so she rented an apartment and brought M along with her. Her dad is in LA, as is her kindergarten.) She writes D love letters. (Her mom told me that M wouldn’t show her the letters. She was too embarrassed). D cuts out and colors hearts and seals them in an envelope for her. I really don’t know where they get this stuff, seriously. But it’s adorable puppy love.

Well, today is M’s last day. Tomorrow is D and B’s last day. And I’m sitting here crying as I type this. I’m not totally sure what I’m crying about.

It’s not M that I’m crying about, though she is a sweet, adorable, loyal friend to D. He ran to his room last night crying. He didn’t want to talk about it but I heard him up there, and heard B asking, “What’s wrong?” He was sad that he wasn’t going to be going to school with her and his other friends. He wants to stay at his old school. We told him that none of his friends were staying (which he rationally totally understands), but leaving M, knowing that she’s going back to LA (what can I say, my kid knows geography) is breaking his little heart.

I’m not really crying about D getting older and going to kindergarten. Growing up is something that should be celebrated, not mourned. And though I make jokes asking where has the time gone, I know that he’s ready for this next step in his life. I’m proud of him. He’s going to do great.

I’m not crying, yet, about B. See, in all of this B doesn’t have a clue. He doesn’t know that next week he’s going to have to go to a new school in a new building with a new schedule taught by new teachers in a new class with new friends. Sure we drive by the school and wave and say “Hi new school!” but he doesn’t really understand. I suspect next Tuesday is going to be extremely unpleasant for him and for me. I’ll be crying then too.

I’m not crying about new schools. I know that going through these changes is going to be hard on them, but I know they can handle it. I know that moving from preschool to kindergarten or from one preschool to another is not the most difficult thing either of them will go through. I know they’re both awesome and will make new friends quickly.

I think I’m crying because every time we make one of these transitions, we lose a friend. Sometimes it’s two. Sometimes it’s an entire class. We lose a person who connects us with our past, a person with whom we share an experience and a history that only they and we can understand. I’m crying because I really wish there was a way that I could protect my kids from the heartache that comes from losing a little piece of them when they go through these changes. I’m crying because I miss those little pieces of me that I’ve left behind on my own journey through life. And I’m crying because I know that I’m fighting the last battle and it’s one that I already lost.

Health Care Behind the Veil of Ignorance

I hardly go through a day where one of my dad’s one-liners doesn’t go through my head. You know those tidbits of worldly wisdom so simple and true that even a six year old can understand them? He’d tell me, “Nothing worth doing is ever easy,” “Do what you love and the money will follow,” and “If something sounds too good to be true it probably is.” Well, the past few weeks I’ve had another of his sayings circling through my head. “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

See I’ve been frustrated the past few weeks. At a lot of things, really, not the least of which is the area in which I’ve dedicated most of my professional life, and that’s health care. Perhaps it’d help if you understood where I’m coming from.

My dad works in biotechnology. Until today (congrats on your new job, Daddy!) his jobs were always with small start-up companies hoping to bring to market a miracle cure for HIV or cancer or hemophilia. And not just any cure, but one that used the newest technology. It was from him I learned phrases like Phase I clinical trial, good manufacturing practice, quality control, and gene therapy. And it was from him that I learned that a lot of the money that funded his job, my family’s sustenance, came from big pharmaceutical companies who were gambling that his little company’s technology would turn into something they could bring to patients worldwide. And until today, a day almost 31 years after my birth, he worked for only one company that had a product on the market.

My mom has worked at hospitals in finance as long as I can remember. She dealt with contracts between insurance companies and physicians, and later with how money moved between a teaching hospital and the well-known university with which it is affiliated. Like many wives and mothers, she made the health care decisions in our family, but I always knew it was because she actually understood this stuff and not simply because my dad was too lazy and we were too young.

My mom also hooked me up with the best high school job I could have imagined: working in said hospital’s heart and lung transplant department. What started as a job filing turned into a position where I helped people hoping to get onto the transplant waiting list get through all the tests and bureaucratic hurdles to do so. Those hurdles included securing pre-authorization from their insurance companies for their transplants. No easy task when you’re talking about a surgery and recovery that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. Don’t get me wrong, I pushed papers. But I pushed enough of them to know which insurance companies were and were not likely to say no right away.

When I discovered my love of politics and policy, it seemed only fitting that I combine them with my family background and my own work experience in health care and pursue health policy when I enrolled in the masters program at Georgetown. As I’ve mentioned before, I spent the first five and a half years of my adult life working for the pharmaceutical industry’s trade association and the past almost 3 years working as a consultant on a number of health care projects. What I haven’t mentioned before, I don’t think, is that I’m a moderate in about any way you can think of. I’ve voted for Democrats and Republicans for every position from city councilmember up to president. As my husband can attest, I can play devil’s advocate with the best of them.

So it is with that background that I’ll tell you why I’ve had a hard time finding my voice the past few weeks.

Both sides have crazies. And I have too little patience (extra bonus points if I get through this whole post without writing patience when I mean patients and vice versa) to deal with crazies. You know what I mean. The people who are holding Nazi signs at townhall meetings. The people who think anyone who compromises in any fashion is a sell-out no better than the Nazi sign-holders. Seriously? Is this what this debate has come down to? I may as well just quit life and go hang out on the playground with my soon-to-be-kindergartener.

Health care is complicated. It involves many many moving parts. (Oh, if only it were so simple that we could just blame the insurance companies and be done with it. But alas, reality gets in the way. It’s not.) So as not to go all health economics 101 on you without your permission I’ll just say this: the policy behind health care reform is complicated enough. It’s hard to align incentives with actions. It’s hard to be efficient and effective. It’s hard to fight against the predictable when the unpredictable is just as deadly. Add politics to the mix and it’s damn near impossible. Except it’s not. We can make some big improvements to how health care is delivered in this country if we’d all just cut the crap and focus on real solutions that are viable and valuable.

If you believe that President Obama is a Nazi, this post is probably not for you. If you think that, for better or for worse, there’s any chance that in 2009 the U.S. government is going to nationalize health care (and by that I mean nationalize like hire doctors directly and be one big health care system and stuff), I doubt you’ll find what you want here either.

But for the rest of you, how does someone who doesn’t know much about health care policy know how to judge the proposals being considered? First, go read Joe Paduda’s post about the top 10 misconceptions you’ve likely heard about health care reform. Then, let me take you back to college philosophy. There’s this dude named John Rawls. (I’ve gotta believe Backpacking Dad would agree that any discussion of philosophy should start with “There’s this dude named…”) To completely paraphrase the man (no disrespect, Mr. Rawls), he had this idea that if you didn’t know your place in life, if you lived behind a “veil of ignorance,” then maybe you’d make just decisions.

The idea here is that if you’re constructing a policy and you don’t know how that policy will affect you because you didn’t know where you stand, you will make that policy as equitable as possible so as to maximize the likelihood that you’ll save your own ass.

So, just for shits and giggles, next time you think, “I love the insurance coverage that I have through my employer. Why would I want to pay more money and not get anything for it?” just step behind the veil of ignorance and ask what policy would be most appropriate for someone who in five years, five months or even five minutes from now will lose their jobs and their health care coverage. Because hundreds of thousands of Americans have been laid off and lost their coverage over the past few months. They are good people who have had bad things happen to them. And they? They could be you.

Or try this: next time you’re tempted to say, “I’m healthy. Why should I pay for people who are fat and lazy and eat too much and don’t exercise?” step behind the veil of ignorance and ask what policy would be most appropriate for someone who does everything right and still draws the short straw and ends up with breast cancer or a fatal infection. Because hundreds of thousands of Americans haven’t done anything wrong and they’ve still gotten sick. They are good people who have had bad things happen to them. And they? They could be you.

Or when you say, “We should limit the profits of drug companies and just take generic drugs to save money,” step behind the veil of ignorance and ask what policy would be most appropriate for someone whose ailment hasn’t yet been cured and whose only hope lies in that drug for cancer or Alzheimer’s that’s still being tested in pharmaceutical company laboratories like that ones that my dad worked in. Because hundreds of thousands of Americans’ only hope lies in some scientist, some company, some patients taking a risk to move a medicine from lab bench to clinical trial to the market. And they? They could be you.

Or the next time you think that all of “those people” that we’re debating making expensive changes for are some strangers, ask around to your friends and family. You’ll find out, no doubt, that many of them have gone through torturous battles not only with diseases that plague their bodies but with a system that so often adds insult to injury. If you haven’t realized that yet, perhaps you’ve been living in ignorance all along.

 

Note: There are a number of people online who are doing their best to have reasonable discussions about health care reform. While I may not agree with everything they’ve written, I recommend you check out these posts from Drums N Whistles, Gunfighter, and Overflowing Brain. And if you’ve seen a post about health care reform that you think is especially poignant, please let me know. I’ll keep updating as I come across more of them.

My Buddy and Me

Though my cough hasn’t gone away (and I doubt it will for some time), I’m starting to feel better after being leveled by my post-BlogHer cold so I decided today is the day to start shredding again. (I last shredded last week so it’s not like it’s been a long time.)

What a perfect day to start, as Kristen and Bill have announced our Shredhead buddies! I’d like to introduce you to Karianna, who blogs over at The Karianna Spectrum. She and I haven’t had the chance to chat much about our plans for holding each other accountable yet, but we introduced ourselves via Twitter today and I’m sure we’re going to hit it off just great.

One way I can tell: apparently we were at all the same activities/parties at BlogHer. (I guess it says a lot about what BlogHer is like given that we were in the same place no fewer than seven times and yet never met.)

I’m looking forward to shredding and training for a 10K (oh, yeah, I need to find a race) with Karianna keeping my a** in check along the way.

Restitution

It’s been a while since I wrote about our car theft fiasco. I didn’t want to dwell on it, bore people, or give out any information that could jeopardize the criminal case. A few weeks ago, the young man who was arrested while driving our car pled guilty and was sentenced to three years in state prison.

This week we received a letter from the District Attorney asking for our accounting of the financial toll that his theft has caused. The judge will take these amounts into consideration at his restitution hearing later this month.

I have never been the victim of a crime so I’m unsure of how/whether restitution works. But I have to admit to being a bit frustrated about having to, once again, spend my time on this. Am I ever actually going to get any of this money? Should I bother wasting my time? According to the American Heritage Dictionary, restitution is, “The act of restoring to the rightful owner something that has been taken away, lost, or surrendered.” Does it really matter if I fill out these forms, as there is no way to appropriately account for the real impact the theft had on our family?

All of this has got me thinking about the people I know, online and off, who have been victimized in ways I cannot even fathom. My heart breaks for them and what they’ve been through. I get enraged when I think of the fact that, regardless of whether you’re an eye-for-an-eye type or a bleeding heart, no justice system can ever get rid of the feelings that come along with being the victim of a crime.

Rather than ruminate in my frustration (yes, I totally learned that word from Aladdin, so what?), I think the best way to honor crime victims, as well as our criminal justice system, is to maximize the rights afforded to me under state law. I suppose the good news is that I already have to submit most of these receipts to Allstate, who has promised to reimburse us for a good chunk of the out-of-pocket costs we’ve incurred, and if they do, they’ll chase after the court-ordered restitution instead of us. Way to pass the buck, right?

To be quite frank, I’m kind of over this whole thing. I’m over thinking about this guy and what he did or didn’t do to/in our car. I’m over feeling guilty that a 19 year-old kid is messing up his life, as if I had anything to do with his stupid decisions. I’m over my son asking me whether he’s in jail and when he’s going to get out. I’m over the fact that I gained weight and spent more than I could afford while eating out because I was too distracted to cook at home. I’m over the fact that the one thing that might really make me feel better is to know he feels bad about what he did and that it’s highly likely that it’ll never happen.

Tomorrow I’m going to fill out the restitution forms and then I.am.over.it.

31 Days

This year is flying by. (Can you believe it’s August already?) In many ways I feel like my life is flying by. Things that are important to me, like eating right, exercising, writing, etc. are often thrown by the wayside in exchange for ease, convenience or, quite often, down time.

This month is bringing some big changes for our family. Starting Monday, Scoot is moving to an earlier schedule (6:30 am – 3 pm) so that he can take care of after school pick-ups. D will be starting Kindergarten and B will be enrolling in a new preschool. These are major disruptions for us, as Scoot and I have been commuting together since 2001 and each of our sons has been part of that since birth. Our car has become a moving family room or kitchen table, the place where we talk about our days at work and school, discuss matters both frivolous and serious, and make decisions large and small. Because I know these changes will bring a lot of stress, I know it’s even more important for me to focus on those things that provide me with physical and emotional nourishment.

For the next month, I’ll be trying to blog blogging daily, and redoing the 30 Day Shred with a new shredding buddy (who has yet to be assigned to me). I’m also going to focus on treating my body better by eating and drinking those things that will help me deal with the physical aspects of stress.

I hope you’ll check back often and come along this journey with me. If not, at least check back on September 1st to see if I survived. ;)

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